Finding Meaning

Lonely toolkit has no where to go.

Five months and seventeen days ago, my family and I relocated to Wisconsin.  It was a huge emotional undertaking for me: in Ohio I had been a homeowner and had my family close by.  We had lived in Wisconsin before and I had certain things that I wanted to happen should we ever return.  None of those things have happened. 

The summer was busy with unpacking and acquainting the kids with their new environment.  My oldest child took summer classes for a month and we got a Y membership.  In August, we started to get ready for a new school year in a new school.  I was also presented with an opportunity that I had already known about for a little while, but it kept putting on the back burner because my priorities had been different for almost a year.  It finally seemed like a good time to turn my focus to this opportunity. 

Let me stop here for a moment and mention that I tend to think a lot about why things happen.  I'm not religious, and I don't often make time for the spirituality that I desire, but the idea of things happening for a reason is always hanging around for me.  Despite having friends and family here and truly loving the area we are now in, I was not eager to move.  I dragged my feet preparing to sell the house and stayed in denial for much of the time up until the moving truck was in our driveway. So, I was left to wonder what the bigger reason for this move was.  Because there HAD to be one. 

Last winter, a friend of mine here who already knew that I'd be moving back, had very graciously connected me to someone who might be in need of my skills.  I wasn't sure of the needs of the business and I didn't want to come off as begging for a job, so our interactions stayed vague and were more related to applying for the proprietary internship program.  I know that the legal definition of an internship is that there is no guarantee of a job afterward. I didn't apply right away, because of several reasons, the biggest of course was that I was preparing for a huge move with kids!  Despite my procrastination, I was pursued and reminded of this opportunity a few times in the spring and summer.  Finally in late August, I threw together a resume and double checked my references, figuring at the very least I'd get a new contact and some new skills out of the deal. 

From the first face-to-face meeting, it was clear that there would be a job at the end of this.  Very, very, crystal, clear.  Each day, I'd learn and work, have my ego pumped up as my skills were praised.  I've always been incredibly self-conscious about the extent of my practical knowledge, so this was reassuring.  We talked about what I was going to be doing after the internship hours had passed.  I signed some paperwork, but not ALL of it.  I was so excited that this was what I was going to be doing day to day.  I got to dress up for work; we listened to great music; we had similar interests; and more importantly I was doing something I love and I was damn good at it! I was putting not only my B.A. to good use, but all the knowledge I have gathered up over the years doing so many different kinds of jobs.  I realized I hadn't had any depressive events in a while and though I was exhausted from juggling responsibilities, it was worth it. I felt like my life experience had lead to this. THIS was why I was back here.

And these shoes, which I bought for work HOURS before...

And then, one day after I had graduated from the internship, one day after I was told what assignment I would be doing the next day I was scheduled to come in, one day after I felt so good about this being really real, I get a form email telling me essentially that they were not hiring for the position for which I had applied. 

I don't want to talk about why this was wrong in so many ways.  I've been thinking it about over and over for the past 5 days. That's not where I should be putting my energy.  Instead, again, I'm left thinking about why this happened.  Not in the literal sense, but what am I supposed to take from this?  And how do I hang on to that feeling that I had?  Because shouldn't self-actualization come from the self?  Why was I hanging all my hopes on someone else's business? 

I'm still not quite sure what I'm going to do.  But everyday now, I come down to my studio and find something to do.  I've got a list now.  All those mending projects that have been stashed away for YEARS.  Ideas I have for projects and gifts WRITTEN DOWN; living outside of my own brain, waiting to be crossed out. 

Come to think of it, my other BUSINESS ideas should be on that list, too.  Because, if anything, I've learned a lot about how to handle a business and how not to handle one.  And I think I'm starting to find my confidence to put that knowledge to use in some way.

Writing more posts should be on that list, too.  Even if I just document that, "hey, I finally sewed those buttons on today!"  Hope you don't mind hanging out with me while I make these adjustments.  It's probably going to a lot less practical and I little more personal than I had imagined this blog to be, but I'll see where it takes me.

How do you deal with career disappointment?  How important to you is finding meaning in your job?  How do you answer the question, "what next"?

Hey, I'm putting a clasp on this capelet today!